Is... he resilient? Nier isn't sure he'd agree with that. He's survived, but he doesn't consider that strength. Survival has only happened because he hasn't had a choice. If he didn't have Yonah to fight for, where would he be? Would he even be at all? For just a moment, his expression grows sombre and thoughtful. No. He doesn't find himself resilient at all.
Finally he shakes his head. If he argues with her outright, she'll win. He's not stupid enough to pick a fight he doesn't have a chance at. Besides—
Instead, he follows her gaze, unable to determine what it is she's distracting herself with. He rolls his shoulder again and eventually he looks back toward the village from where he came. She has a good reason for avoiding it. Her and Emil both. Not everyone in the world can be as accepting. To him, he knows to look beyond appearances. Besides, he also knows that their circumstances are special ones. In spite of that, said circumstances don't define them as a whole either.
They are themselves, with or without their hardships.
"You know I'd protect you."
She doesn't need him to. He knows that, too. But much as he would for Yonah, he would do anything for Kainé, too.
Of course he would. She wouldn't need it, she's taken care of herself just fine all these years— or so she likes to insist. Could the reckless way she'd chosen to live really count as 'taking care of herself?' Until Nier had come along, all she'd cared about was revenge, followed by finding a place that seemed suitable enough to die. He'd brought her back from that edge, and while what awaits in the village isn't quite as deadly as some of the Shades they've come up against, she has no doubt he would stand up to those villagers with the same resolve and determination he'd shown in facing countless foes before them.
He'd do it without a second thought, she knows— for her, or for Emil, same as he would for Yonah.
"You shouldn't have to," she says finally, and her gaze has hardened by the time she turns it back on him. "And whatever you did, or whatever you said, they'd come to resent you for it, because people can't handle what they don't fucking understand."
And they don't understand her. They don't understand Emil, either. They're afraid of what they don't know. As much as she hates it, she doesn't even know that she can blame them. Wasn't that just human nature?
She's right. In an ideal world, he wouldn't have to. But the world is hardly ideal now, is it? In the same ideal world, people wouldn't need the suffer in the countless ways they have. In the same ideal world, Yonah never would have needed to endure the Black Scrawl and all that it came with. Despite all of the bad that came with it, he came out of it with Kainé and Emil. And somehow, some way, he came out victorious. In more ways than one, at that.
He shakes his head at her, "You're right." Then he offers up a hand in something that must be akin to commiseration. "But I'd do it. Regardless of the consequences. And you'd do it for me." She likely wouldn't admit to it. He knows how she can be. Prideful. Not the most outwardly emotional woman, but her heart's in the right place. "So the offer remains. Doesn't matter what the village says or thinks. If I had things my way, you and Emil would be living at home with Yonah and me. Home isn't a place, Kainé. Not really. It's the people you surround yourself with. Frankly, my home's incomplete without you. Without Emil."
Without Weiss. But that's a different story altogether. Maybe their paths will cross again in this strange world where things have somehow managed to work out for the best.
"Yonah would say the same if you asked her. Maybe you just need to hear it from her instead of from me." He gives a crooked grin. Yonah has that ability, after all. By simply being herself, she has the ability to sway hearts. Maybe that's simply the power of being a young girl.
"And how would you even fit us all in that place of yours, huh?"
It's not really a pertinent question. It's a deflection instead, something she's found herself to be quick to rely on in his company— nobody else had ever really given her the need. He's right, too. He's right that she would do the same for him, and she hates that he's right. It happens so much more often than he really deserves, frankly, but it's plain proof that no matter how hard she tries to keep people out, he knows her. Better than she knows herself, at this point, because he can see the parts that she can't, the good bits left behind in someone she's otherwise convinced is too far gone.
"And I know exactly what Yonah would say." Something bright and welcoming, she's sure, far kinder than Kainé had done anything to deserve, but there's an unfair bias at work there, as well. "Not exactly fair, is it? I know you filled her head with all kinds of stories about me and Emil before she went away."
The expectations that she has to live up to are probably ridiculously out of reach, at this point.
He has an answer for everything, doesn't he? When he's going up against Kainé, Nier feels it's a requirement. Otherwise, she'll find a reason to worm her way right out of the conversation. It's his tactic for wearing her down. He's confident that if he can appeal to her enough with logic and feasible situations, she'll eventually give in. It's not necessarily his proudest moments when he succeeds, but sometimes the methods matter little in comparison to the end result.
...The ends justify the means? Wouldn't be the first time he's employed that approach.
His smile becomes more sincere as she continues. She's got him there. Nier has filled Yonah's head with so many stories over the years, he wonders how many of them she even still remembers. But stories make her happy and considering the state of the world as it is, how can he expect her to go out and make her own? The world is no fantastical misadventure for Yonah to partake in with or without the Black Scrawl acting as threat.
"I didn't colour her opinion, if that's what you mean," he corrects Kainé with a stern gentleness. "Yonah makes her own opinions just as I make mine. I wouldn't expect her to feel the same way I do. If she does, that's coincidence alone. What good would it do me to have a daughter who only echoes what I think?" Nier shakes his head. "She needs to be her own person with her own set of ideals. Her own beliefs. She loves you and Emil on your own merits in her own way."
Always an answer. He's always ready to intercept her efforts at every turn, without hesitation. She's never allowed herself to say it outright, but there's something endearing about it. That he cares enough to put in that effort, to keep her from being able to wriggle away despite her every instinct demanding that she does so—
It means a lot. So much that it's overwhelming, sometimes. It's been so long now since her grandmother died. Since then, the idea of family was something she'd thought had been lost to the past— but here she is with a new one, one she doesn't even know how to engage with or appreciate now that the obstacles are no longer the kind she can cut through with her blades.
She sighs heavily, her shoulders dropping for a moment before what appears to be a genuine smile pulls at one side of her mouth.
"You're a real pain in my ass, you know that? Got a smart-ass answer for everything." But she's glad for him. He's the kind of annoyance you would miss if it went away— the kind she has been missing since she's been insisting on staying all the way out here on her own. "Actually... I was on my way to come see you guys when you caught me."
He'd gone out hunting for a woman, but she had already half-convinced herself to go willingly.
He knows. He definitely knows. At this point, it's almost like a compliment. Some might look at what he does and think he's overdoing it. Expending too much effort on a woman who's less than worthy of it. But he's never thought that way. Kainé has always been worth it, even in the moments she thought herself less than.
"You wouldn't have me any other way."
An undisputed truth. He's too old to be changing his habits now and he has very little incentive to be doing so. He means well. He has good intentions. In the end, isn't that all that matters?
As she continues, he pauses for but a moment. Her, coming to visit them? Truly? She doesn't make such offers lightly, which can only mean she has reason for doing so. He could turn over the possibilities in his head infinitely, but while he knows a Kainé to some extent, he doesn't have the arrogance to know how the mind of a woman works. And it would be little more than insulting to make presumptions.
"Something wrong?" he asks, which is the immediate thought that comes to mind.
She shifts her weight from one foot to the other; her smile fades, and she quickly folds her arms in front of her— her default stance, most days, closed-off and thorny. While not particularly bothered by his assumption that something had to be wrong, she can understand why it would be the first thing that came to mind. How often had she actually visited his home? Only when the village had been under attack— and when she had awakened after her too-long sleep, the town leadership had been quick to let both her and Emil know they weren't welcome there.
She hasn't been back since, not past the gates, even after Nier had brought Yonah home.
Was something wrong? It's a fairer question than she wants to give it credit for.
"Maybe. Not sure."
Would it be too much to say that she was wrong? She doesn't know where she fits in the grand scheme of things any longer. There's no more mission of revenge, no more lost daughters to save, no reason to serve as a sword. Following the Shadowlord's death, even Tyrann's voice had quieted, and there are fewer Shades every day.
"I don't really know what to do with myself out here anymore." For her, it's an admission, as much vulnerability as she ever allows herself to show, even with the hard edge to her voice that remains. "Fewer Shades to fight off all the time. Things keep up that way, I won't be much good to anyone. And it's kind of—"
She cuts herself off, scowling. No. She won't say lonely, even if she feels it in her very bones.
The moment her expression falls, Nier realises that whatever is going on is, in fact, serious. It's not because of her frown. A frown on Kainé is like Nier breathing. He expects it these days. In fact, it wouldn't surprise him much if most of them were frowning. At least on the inside.
She brings up a good point. What kind of world needs people like them? Nier has, at least, Yonah to take care of. Kainé doesn't have that, though Emil is a close comparison. Still, that isn't the same. They've all spent enough time in a constant state of chaos and combat that no longer having that, especially not regularly is an adjustment process. He isn't surprised to hear her input at all.
Nier wishes he had the answers. This is one of those situations where he doesn't. He eyes her with a degree of sympathy, though takes care not to make it too obvious. She has her pride, obviously, and though he enjoys disrupting it, shaking it up a little, he doesn't want to upset her anymore than what he feels is necessary.
"I think I get what you mean," he finally agrees with another roll, and pop of his shoulder. "Spend all that time fighting Shades. Now look at us. Not many Shades to fight and we're still carrying our weapons thinking we'll go rushing right back into battle-charged adventure. If you weren't restless, I'd think something about you was off."
So what do they do about that? Travel? Maybe go somewhere far away. They can do that now, can't they? Take Yonah along. Let her see the world. It's not the world Nier wants to show her, but it's the world they live in.
"Yonah's better now," he reminds her thoughtfully. "Maybe all of us should go somewhere."
Nier had done his share before they'd met, of course. He'd gone hunting, protected the village by killing any that encroached on the outskirts, but her? It had been her entire life, ever since she'd been given that second chance, tainted as it was. It had been the only thing she'd cared about— for years, she'd hunted, honed her skills.
What else was she even good for?
She gives a humorless bark of a laugh, raising a brow as she tilts her head to one side, challenging him.
"Where would we go? What place is there for people like us?"
People like her, especially.
"You thinking we just pack up and take a fucking vacation somewhere?"
She makes it sound like it's some kind of joke, but he's altogether too serious about it. Nier brings his gaze off of her, caught up in something in the distance. Truthfully, he's not looking at anything in particular. He's simply thinking. Where can they go? Anywhere, he guesses.
...Seafront was kind of a nice place, from his recollection. What if they...
"Kainé," he begins, suddenly bringing his attention back onto her. "There are ships down south. Ones that cross the ocean. What if we took one, just to see where it takes us. You and I know enough to survive off the land. Yonah would be protected. It'd be better than waiting for nothing to happen."
In an ideal world, maybe he could settle down and be content with a quiet, peaceful life with birds wandering around in a garden that he hasn't been committed enough with the upkeep on. His position, while not as extreme as hers, is still similar. What else is there for a man like him? For a woman like her?
The suggestion takes her by surprise sharply enough that she's blindsided for a moment, her gaze widening. For her, it had been a throwaway barb, something that seemed beyond their reach, but he really meant it, didn't he?
Taking a ship from Seafront... she'd never considered it before, even knowing they clearly went somewhere. All that cargo and those letters didn't come from nobody. They'd have no idea where they were going, no heading, but in some ways, wasn't anywhere better than here? Here, a place filled with bitter memories and too many ghosts.
She shakes her head after a moment, dismissive, but she's not laughing any longer.
"You're crazy." It's not the first time she's called him that, but really, if she's being honest, the idea is...
It's not terrible.
"You've got a home here. Why would you want to leave that?"
Of course he's crazy. Nier has said some... rather crazy things, so it's not as if she's completely wrong. One has to be a little crazy to survive in this world, right? To him, it's just a way of looking at the world without becoming completely resigned. Besides, everything's worked out in one way or another, hasn't it? No reason to be resigned when he's virtually gotten everything he's wanted.
They're down one wise-cracking book, but... Maybe one day they'll meet up with Weiss again.
"Home isn't really a place," he explains in a rather earnest manner, though he suspects she might not buy what he's selling. Or she will in the deepest parts of her and just deny that she agrees. He's more likely to believe that, honestly. "It's people, too. I want to be somewhere that we can all be together. The village won't let that happen, so it's time to move on."
Gesturing over to her, Nier continues, "You have somewhere else to be?" He knows. There's the thing with her grandmother and he gets that, but sometimes maybe memories are enough.
Shit. He's never been afraid to say exactly what he thinks— he's direct, even with the sappy stuff, and even if she doesn't often say so, Kainé has often appreciated that. Right now, it makes it harder for her to remember exactly why she was still dead-set on doing everything on her own.
Things were different now. She didn't have to live that way, not if she didn't want to. This wasn't the first time Nier had offered her something different, something better, but maybe it just seemed too good to be true. It would be wrong to say that everyone else has always disappointed her— she would have had to expect something from them for that to be the case, but Nier? He's never let her down.
Feels like her luck can't be that good forever.
"Probably wouldn't have been heading to your place if I did." At least she can be honest about that much. The home she'd shared with her grandmother— that home was long gone. There was no bringing it back, and the shack made up of its remains was a poor replacement.
"You can't just— pick everything up and head somewhere else for me and Emil, though. Yonah's lived her whole life here."
Even as she says it, Kainé can see why Yonah might be keen on the idea of leaving, herself. Lots of shitty memories to be left behind, most likely.
If she was coming to see him to begin with, there were only a few reasons she would have. Given that there was no immediate emergency on the horizon, he could only imagine it was because she wanted to. And chances are that Kainé is simply not inclined at all to say it, which is fine. He doesn't need to hear it. She has other ways of speaking that don't involve her tongue. So he regards her with a fondness that can only be characterised as his own. Blatant in some ways. Subtle in others.
"I thought about that," he admits, looking contemplative again, as if he could be second-guessing his rather off-the-wall suggestion. Who knows how long he's had it cooking upstairs in that melon of his. Nier, while open about his feelings from time to time, isn't always as straightforward about everything. No one ever is, though.
Shaking his head, Nier continues. "Nah. I'm pretty sure she'd like to see something different. She's spent so much of her life in the village, not able to leave. Not because she didn't want to, but because she was sick. Don't I owe it to her to make up for lost time? This is a second opportunity and not everyone gets those. I'm an ass if I squander it."
He makes a good point, one she hadn't really considered before now. Memories aside— good and bad— Yonah's never really been anywhere else, through no fault of her own. The Black Scrawl had kept her confined for years, at this point, aside from the occasional jailbreaks she'd heard about as Nier fondly recounted tales of Yonah's particular brand of mischief, failing to mask his worry in the process.
"Didn't think about it that way."
She sighs— she's running out of points to argue with, and beyond that, she knows she shouldn't be arguing in the first place. She's always been so damn afraid of losing things that she never let herself have them to begin with, relationships most of all.
He's right. He's an ass if he squanders his second chance. She's an ass if she squanders hers, too.
She smiles, just a little, and in her way, it's a concession— softening just enough to admit defeat, even if she doesn't say so outright.
"She ever been on a boat before? Bet she'll love it."
"No," he answer her simply enough. "Once her I settled down with her mother, we wanted her to have a stable upbringing. Seemed unfair to pull her from place to place, preventing her from making friends. If I'd known what was going to happen—"
Nier pauses for some moments, realising he never foresaw what might befall his wife and his daughter. As he reflects on it, he finds so many things he would have done differently. So many situations he would have approached in a different way. So many missed moments in which he could have told his daughter he loved her. Just as many missed moments that he neglected to say all the things he should have said to her mother.
Undeniably, Nier remains affected and touched by his past, perhaps even bound to it without the closure his heart has ached for more than once. He may deserve that in light of the way he's handled things. It could be punishment. He'd believe it.
"If I'd known, I would have given her more chances for adventure. With things as they are, she has a chance for normalcy. She could stay in the village and befriend the other kids, but she's lived here for so long and has had to keep to herself that she might have missed the opportunity."
He shakes his head slowly before he continues, "I think she'll just love that she gets to see something other than the village." After a pause— "Have I convinced you yet?"
That pause, the subtle shift of his expression— she knows what they mean, even without asking. She gives a firm shake of her head, dismissing what he's left unspoken outright.
"No way you could've known, so don't even think about beating yourself up over that." Give her a minute, she'll help him think of two or three other reasons to do it, instead— but not that. What happened with Yonah wasn't his fault, and she won't hear otherwise. He hasn't said so, but she doesn't need him to say it out loud to know that he's got to be wondering about what he could have done differently.
Another hefty sigh as she reaches to rub at the back of her neck.
"Alright, you win. I'm pretty damn well convinced. So, when do we leave?"
She knows him well. So well that Nier wonders if it's purely because of their closeness or because when it comes to him, she's just that observant. If it were some random person, he doubts he'd be so comfortable with it. Even when it comes to Kainé, he doesn't want her worrying about him. Not because he thinks he's not worth it. He simply hasn't earned it.
"I hear you," he concedes.
She'll press and press him on it. He knows that. They both do the same thing, despising themselves for things that are out of their control. Thinking they could have changed the past, knowing that logically neither of them had the power to do so. The cards played on the table weren't in their hands. The only thing they've been able to do is take them and move forward.
Drawing his attention off of her, he pivots sharply on a foot as his expression turns a little more serious. There's a lot to be done yet. Well, maybe not as much as he seems to think there is. An afternoon's journey down to Seafront. Maybe a day or two to arrange transport. It all depends on the Seafront schedule and when that cargo ship might be embarking on another sea voyage.
"I need time to put it all together. I haven't yet made plans with the ship down there," he admits. "I also need to talk to Yonah about it. I wanted to check with you first before I started doing everything. I wanted to put all the pieces together before making anything fit into place."
It all had the sound of a plan still early in the making, definitely, so the list of what’s yet to be done doesn’t surprise her, but the fact that he’d brought it up with her first still hits in a way she’s not quite sure how to take. Yonah is his everything, and to be anywhere even remotely near her in importance?
She’s just not used to it.
“Bet Yonah’ll be excited.” It might be hard to say goodbye to the house she’d grown up in, but it would be good for all of them to get away. “Always sounded like she’d be thrilled to go anywhere with you.”
And, in her own way, doesn’t she feel the same? She would follow him anywhere, has felt that way for a long while and even so, struggles to be honest with herself about it. Why? What is she so damn afraid of?
“... anything I can do to help? Seems unfair to put it all on you.”
He tries to fight it—the grin that's steadily making its way into his features. But Kainé's right yet again. His confidence in understanding Yonah's very likely to just go along with whatever he thinks is best simply for the sake of being with him is what's brought him to the very present. It's why he's sought Kainé's opinion. He knows his daughter in and out. At least, he'd like to claim this. He might not know her as well as he thinks he does, or as well as he should. But Kainé can sometimes be a wildcard. He isn't sure he's as confident when it comes to her.
This conversation alone, however, makes him feel a little stronger. A little more resolved. Yes, a journey across the sea sounds like a perfect experience for all of them. Anything to get away from the Village, from the drab life they've known here. Don't they deserve to live, now that they've been given that opportunity?
He's still thinking over it all fondly when he begins to pay attention again and plays catch up. Kainé's offer settles on him. "Uh. Pack what you want to bring. Help Yonah pack, maybe? It'd give me time to secure our trip. Stay for dinner."
Stay forever, is what he really wants to say, but the courage to do so perishes on his lips before he can get the words out.
She laughs openly, propping a hand against her hip.
"Pack, huh. Yeah, I've got a ton of shit I'm gonna bring with me." Everything she owned fit in that lean-to of hers, and it wasn't much to talk about to begin with. There were a few things she would keep— the wreath of flowers, a couple of old drawings, a few changes of clothes, but nothing that would weigh them down.
The rest could stay behind. She didn't own much that meant anything to her.
"Sure. I'll grab my shit and then help Yonah out. That might take a little more time." Considering she and Nier had an actual house to live in, the younger girl had more in the way of belongings. It'd be nice, really, to get to spend some more time with her. Get to know her better, like she'd wanted to for a long while now.
He grins. He knows she doesn't have much that she'll bring. But Yonah may have more... He has no idea what kinds of things his daughter might want to bring. Hopefully she won't think they ought to take everything. That's hardly feasible. It's likely a conversation he'll need to have with her before they truly leave. Even he doesn't have much that he wants to bring.
His wife's diary. Yonah. Kainé. Weapons. These are the things that truly matter. He's still going over his own internal list before Kainé's question pulls him right out of that easy-to-drown-in mire. His attention snaps back onto her quickly and he wears half a grin.
"Thought you might cook with me," he suggests, only half-jokingly. He's never exactly taken Kainé for much of a cook, but admittedly, neither is he. They'd be in good company if she's willing to budge with him on this, too. So far he's been successful, but even he knows his good fortune won't be lasting forever.
There doesn't seem to be a decent cook among them, but at least she and Nier are both able to make things edible enough that they've kept themselves alive this long— that has to count for something. She raises a brow as if to challenge him, only to laugh and shake her head a moment later.
Yeah, it's probably for the best if the two of them handle it.
"Safest bet, I think. That soup Yonah made you knocked you out for almost an entire day." Sure, the kid meant well, but...
It isn't always the thought that counts.
"Don't go expecting anything fancy, though. Best I can do for you is 'not raw.'"
She laughs and the crease in mouth grows. It's such a simple little thing, but every time Kainé shows more than her scowls and her biting words, it warms him right to the core. Any amount of uncertainty he held melts away rather rapidly. She has no idea how simple it is for her to do that. The more he thinks on it, the more he realises it was never possible for him to leave without her.
Whether she wants to admit it or not, she is family. There's just no way around that.
It doesn't take long for him to break into laughter, too. How long has it been since he's been able to do that? "You're right. We should probably spend some time with her giving some hints and tips. I love her creativity, but that cooking might kill someone one day. I think starting off with something that isn't raw is the perfect way to start. Maybe let's just do something simple."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
You know how it is. Dogs attract other dogs and all of that.
Is... he resilient? Nier isn't sure he'd agree with that. He's survived, but he doesn't consider that strength. Survival has only happened because he hasn't had a choice. If he didn't have Yonah to fight for, where would he be? Would he even be at all? For just a moment, his expression grows sombre and thoughtful. No. He doesn't find himself resilient at all.
Finally he shakes his head. If he argues with her outright, she'll win. He's not stupid enough to pick a fight he doesn't have a chance at. Besides—
Instead, he follows her gaze, unable to determine what it is she's distracting herself with. He rolls his shoulder again and eventually he looks back toward the village from where he came. She has a good reason for avoiding it. Her and Emil both. Not everyone in the world can be as accepting. To him, he knows to look beyond appearances. Besides, he also knows that their circumstances are special ones. In spite of that, said circumstances don't define them as a whole either.
They are themselves, with or without their hardships.
"You know I'd protect you."
She doesn't need him to. He knows that, too. But much as he would for Yonah, he would do anything for Kainé, too.
you're absolutely right.
He'd do it without a second thought, she knows— for her, or for Emil, same as he would for Yonah.
"You shouldn't have to," she says finally, and her gaze has hardened by the time she turns it back on him. "And whatever you did, or whatever you said, they'd come to resent you for it, because people can't handle what they don't fucking understand."
And they don't understand her. They don't understand Emil, either. They're afraid of what they don't know. As much as she hates it, she doesn't even know that she can blame them. Wasn't that just human nature?
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She's right. In an ideal world, he wouldn't have to. But the world is hardly ideal now, is it? In the same ideal world, people wouldn't need the suffer in the countless ways they have. In the same ideal world, Yonah never would have needed to endure the Black Scrawl and all that it came with. Despite all of the bad that came with it, he came out of it with Kainé and Emil. And somehow, some way, he came out victorious. In more ways than one, at that.
He shakes his head at her, "You're right." Then he offers up a hand in something that must be akin to commiseration. "But I'd do it. Regardless of the consequences. And you'd do it for me." She likely wouldn't admit to it. He knows how she can be. Prideful. Not the most outwardly emotional woman, but her heart's in the right place. "So the offer remains. Doesn't matter what the village says or thinks. If I had things my way, you and Emil would be living at home with Yonah and me. Home isn't a place, Kainé. Not really. It's the people you surround yourself with. Frankly, my home's incomplete without you. Without Emil."
Without Weiss. But that's a different story altogether. Maybe their paths will cross again in this strange world where things have somehow managed to work out for the best.
"Yonah would say the same if you asked her. Maybe you just need to hear it from her instead of from me." He gives a crooked grin. Yonah has that ability, after all. By simply being herself, she has the ability to sway hearts. Maybe that's simply the power of being a young girl.
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It's not really a pertinent question. It's a deflection instead, something she's found herself to be quick to rely on in his company— nobody else had ever really given her the need. He's right, too. He's right that she would do the same for him, and she hates that he's right. It happens so much more often than he really deserves, frankly, but it's plain proof that no matter how hard she tries to keep people out, he knows her. Better than she knows herself, at this point, because he can see the parts that she can't, the good bits left behind in someone she's otherwise convinced is too far gone.
"And I know exactly what Yonah would say." Something bright and welcoming, she's sure, far kinder than Kainé had done anything to deserve, but there's an unfair bias at work there, as well. "Not exactly fair, is it? I know you filled her head with all kinds of stories about me and Emil before she went away."
The expectations that she has to live up to are probably ridiculously out of reach, at this point.
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He has an answer for everything, doesn't he? When he's going up against Kainé, Nier feels it's a requirement. Otherwise, she'll find a reason to worm her way right out of the conversation. It's his tactic for wearing her down. He's confident that if he can appeal to her enough with logic and feasible situations, she'll eventually give in. It's not necessarily his proudest moments when he succeeds, but sometimes the methods matter little in comparison to the end result.
...The ends justify the means? Wouldn't be the first time he's employed that approach.
His smile becomes more sincere as she continues. She's got him there. Nier has filled Yonah's head with so many stories over the years, he wonders how many of them she even still remembers. But stories make her happy and considering the state of the world as it is, how can he expect her to go out and make her own? The world is no fantastical misadventure for Yonah to partake in with or without the Black Scrawl acting as threat.
"I didn't colour her opinion, if that's what you mean," he corrects Kainé with a stern gentleness. "Yonah makes her own opinions just as I make mine. I wouldn't expect her to feel the same way I do. If she does, that's coincidence alone. What good would it do me to have a daughter who only echoes what I think?" Nier shakes his head. "She needs to be her own person with her own set of ideals. Her own beliefs. She loves you and Emil on your own merits in her own way."
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It means a lot. So much that it's overwhelming, sometimes. It's been so long now since her grandmother died. Since then, the idea of family was something she'd thought had been lost to the past— but here she is with a new one, one she doesn't even know how to engage with or appreciate now that the obstacles are no longer the kind she can cut through with her blades.
She sighs heavily, her shoulders dropping for a moment before what appears to be a genuine smile pulls at one side of her mouth.
"You're a real pain in my ass, you know that? Got a smart-ass answer for everything." But she's glad for him. He's the kind of annoyance you would miss if it went away— the kind she has been missing since she's been insisting on staying all the way out here on her own. "Actually... I was on my way to come see you guys when you caught me."
He'd gone out hunting for a woman, but she had already half-convinced herself to go willingly.
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"You wouldn't have me any other way."
An undisputed truth. He's too old to be changing his habits now and he has very little incentive to be doing so. He means well. He has good intentions. In the end, isn't that all that matters?
As she continues, he pauses for but a moment. Her, coming to visit them? Truly? She doesn't make such offers lightly, which can only mean she has reason for doing so. He could turn over the possibilities in his head infinitely, but while he knows a Kainé to some extent, he doesn't have the arrogance to know how the mind of a woman works. And it would be little more than insulting to make presumptions.
"Something wrong?" he asks, which is the immediate thought that comes to mind.
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She hasn't been back since, not past the gates, even after Nier had brought Yonah home.
Was something wrong? It's a fairer question than she wants to give it credit for.
"Maybe. Not sure."
Would it be too much to say that she was wrong? She doesn't know where she fits in the grand scheme of things any longer. There's no more mission of revenge, no more lost daughters to save, no reason to serve as a sword. Following the Shadowlord's death, even Tyrann's voice had quieted, and there are fewer Shades every day.
"I don't really know what to do with myself out here anymore." For her, it's an admission, as much vulnerability as she ever allows herself to show, even with the hard edge to her voice that remains. "Fewer Shades to fight off all the time. Things keep up that way, I won't be much good to anyone. And it's kind of—"
She cuts herself off, scowling. No. She won't say lonely, even if she feels it in her very bones.
"Just been feeling kind of restless."
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She brings up a good point. What kind of world needs people like them? Nier has, at least, Yonah to take care of. Kainé doesn't have that, though Emil is a close comparison. Still, that isn't the same. They've all spent enough time in a constant state of chaos and combat that no longer having that, especially not regularly is an adjustment process. He isn't surprised to hear her input at all.
Nier wishes he had the answers. This is one of those situations where he doesn't. He eyes her with a degree of sympathy, though takes care not to make it too obvious. She has her pride, obviously, and though he enjoys disrupting it, shaking it up a little, he doesn't want to upset her anymore than what he feels is necessary.
"I think I get what you mean," he finally agrees with another roll, and pop of his shoulder. "Spend all that time fighting Shades. Now look at us. Not many Shades to fight and we're still carrying our weapons thinking we'll go rushing right back into battle-charged adventure. If you weren't restless, I'd think something about you was off."
So what do they do about that? Travel? Maybe go somewhere far away. They can do that now, can't they? Take Yonah along. Let her see the world. It's not the world Nier wants to show her, but it's the world they live in.
"Yonah's better now," he reminds her thoughtfully. "Maybe all of us should go somewhere."
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Nier had done his share before they'd met, of course. He'd gone hunting, protected the village by killing any that encroached on the outskirts, but her? It had been her entire life, ever since she'd been given that second chance, tainted as it was. It had been the only thing she'd cared about— for years, she'd hunted, honed her skills.
What else was she even good for?
She gives a humorless bark of a laugh, raising a brow as she tilts her head to one side, challenging him.
"Where would we go? What place is there for people like us?"
People like her, especially.
"You thinking we just pack up and take a fucking vacation somewhere?"
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She makes it sound like it's some kind of joke, but he's altogether too serious about it. Nier brings his gaze off of her, caught up in something in the distance. Truthfully, he's not looking at anything in particular. He's simply thinking. Where can they go? Anywhere, he guesses.
...Seafront was kind of a nice place, from his recollection. What if they...
"Kainé," he begins, suddenly bringing his attention back onto her. "There are ships down south. Ones that cross the ocean. What if we took one, just to see where it takes us. You and I know enough to survive off the land. Yonah would be protected. It'd be better than waiting for nothing to happen."
In an ideal world, maybe he could settle down and be content with a quiet, peaceful life with birds wandering around in a garden that he hasn't been committed enough with the upkeep on. His position, while not as extreme as hers, is still similar. What else is there for a man like him? For a woman like her?
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Taking a ship from Seafront... she'd never considered it before, even knowing they clearly went somewhere. All that cargo and those letters didn't come from nobody. They'd have no idea where they were going, no heading, but in some ways, wasn't anywhere better than here? Here, a place filled with bitter memories and too many ghosts.
She shakes her head after a moment, dismissive, but she's not laughing any longer.
"You're crazy." It's not the first time she's called him that, but really, if she's being honest, the idea is...
It's not terrible.
"You've got a home here. Why would you want to leave that?"
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Of course he's crazy. Nier has said some... rather crazy things, so it's not as if she's completely wrong. One has to be a little crazy to survive in this world, right? To him, it's just a way of looking at the world without becoming completely resigned. Besides, everything's worked out in one way or another, hasn't it? No reason to be resigned when he's virtually gotten everything he's wanted.
They're down one wise-cracking book, but... Maybe one day they'll meet up with Weiss again.
"Home isn't really a place," he explains in a rather earnest manner, though he suspects she might not buy what he's selling. Or she will in the deepest parts of her and just deny that she agrees. He's more likely to believe that, honestly. "It's people, too. I want to be somewhere that we can all be together. The village won't let that happen, so it's time to move on."
Gesturing over to her, Nier continues, "You have somewhere else to be?" He knows. There's the thing with her grandmother and he gets that, but sometimes maybe memories are enough.
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Shit. He's never been afraid to say exactly what he thinks— he's direct, even with the sappy stuff, and even if she doesn't often say so, Kainé has often appreciated that. Right now, it makes it harder for her to remember exactly why she was still dead-set on doing everything on her own.
Things were different now. She didn't have to live that way, not if she didn't want to. This wasn't the first time Nier had offered her something different, something better, but maybe it just seemed too good to be true. It would be wrong to say that everyone else has always disappointed her— she would have had to expect something from them for that to be the case, but Nier? He's never let her down.
Feels like her luck can't be that good forever.
"Probably wouldn't have been heading to your place if I did." At least she can be honest about that much. The home she'd shared with her grandmother— that home was long gone. There was no bringing it back, and the shack made up of its remains was a poor replacement.
"You can't just— pick everything up and head somewhere else for me and Emil, though. Yonah's lived her whole life here."
Even as she says it, Kainé can see why Yonah might be keen on the idea of leaving, herself. Lots of shitty memories to be left behind, most likely.
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If she was coming to see him to begin with, there were only a few reasons she would have. Given that there was no immediate emergency on the horizon, he could only imagine it was because she wanted to. And chances are that Kainé is simply not inclined at all to say it, which is fine. He doesn't need to hear it. She has other ways of speaking that don't involve her tongue. So he regards her with a fondness that can only be characterised as his own. Blatant in some ways. Subtle in others.
"I thought about that," he admits, looking contemplative again, as if he could be second-guessing his rather off-the-wall suggestion. Who knows how long he's had it cooking upstairs in that melon of his. Nier, while open about his feelings from time to time, isn't always as straightforward about everything. No one ever is, though.
Shaking his head, Nier continues. "Nah. I'm pretty sure she'd like to see something different. She's spent so much of her life in the village, not able to leave. Not because she didn't want to, but because she was sick. Don't I owe it to her to make up for lost time? This is a second opportunity and not everyone gets those. I'm an ass if I squander it."
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"Didn't think about it that way."
She sighs— she's running out of points to argue with, and beyond that, she knows she shouldn't be arguing in the first place. She's always been so damn afraid of losing things that she never let herself have them to begin with, relationships most of all.
He's right. He's an ass if he squanders his second chance. She's an ass if she squanders hers, too.
She smiles, just a little, and in her way, it's a concession— softening just enough to admit defeat, even if she doesn't say so outright.
"She ever been on a boat before? Bet she'll love it."
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Nier pauses for some moments, realising he never foresaw what might befall his wife and his daughter. As he reflects on it, he finds so many things he would have done differently. So many situations he would have approached in a different way. So many missed moments in which he could have told his daughter he loved her. Just as many missed moments that he neglected to say all the things he should have said to her mother.
Undeniably, Nier remains affected and touched by his past, perhaps even bound to it without the closure his heart has ached for more than once. He may deserve that in light of the way he's handled things. It could be punishment. He'd believe it.
"If I'd known, I would have given her more chances for adventure. With things as they are, she has a chance for normalcy. She could stay in the village and befriend the other kids, but she's lived here for so long and has had to keep to herself that she might have missed the opportunity."
He shakes his head slowly before he continues, "I think she'll just love that she gets to see something other than the village." After a pause— "Have I convinced you yet?"
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That pause, the subtle shift of his expression— she knows what they mean, even without asking. She gives a firm shake of her head, dismissing what he's left unspoken outright.
"No way you could've known, so don't even think about beating yourself up over that." Give her a minute, she'll help him think of two or three other reasons to do it, instead— but not that. What happened with Yonah wasn't his fault, and she won't hear otherwise. He hasn't said so, but she doesn't need him to say it out loud to know that he's got to be wondering about what he could have done differently.
Another hefty sigh as she reaches to rub at the back of her neck.
"Alright, you win. I'm pretty damn well convinced. So, when do we leave?"
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"I hear you," he concedes.
She'll press and press him on it. He knows that. They both do the same thing, despising themselves for things that are out of their control. Thinking they could have changed the past, knowing that logically neither of them had the power to do so. The cards played on the table weren't in their hands. The only thing they've been able to do is take them and move forward.
Drawing his attention off of her, he pivots sharply on a foot as his expression turns a little more serious. There's a lot to be done yet. Well, maybe not as much as he seems to think there is. An afternoon's journey down to Seafront. Maybe a day or two to arrange transport. It all depends on the Seafront schedule and when that cargo ship might be embarking on another sea voyage.
"I need time to put it all together. I haven't yet made plans with the ship down there," he admits. "I also need to talk to Yonah about it. I wanted to check with you first before I started doing everything. I wanted to put all the pieces together before making anything fit into place."
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She’s just not used to it.
“Bet Yonah’ll be excited.” It might be hard to say goodbye to the house she’d grown up in, but it would be good for all of them to get away. “Always sounded like she’d be thrilled to go anywhere with you.”
And, in her own way, doesn’t she feel the same? She would follow him anywhere, has felt that way for a long while and even so, struggles to be honest with herself about it. Why? What is she so damn afraid of?
“... anything I can do to help? Seems unfair to put it all on you.”
It’s a lot for an old man.
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This conversation alone, however, makes him feel a little stronger. A little more resolved. Yes, a journey across the sea sounds like a perfect experience for all of them. Anything to get away from the Village, from the drab life they've known here. Don't they deserve to live, now that they've been given that opportunity?
He's still thinking over it all fondly when he begins to pay attention again and plays catch up. Kainé's offer settles on him. "Uh. Pack what you want to bring. Help Yonah pack, maybe? It'd give me time to secure our trip. Stay for dinner."
Stay forever, is what he really wants to say, but the courage to do so perishes on his lips before he can get the words out.
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"Pack, huh. Yeah, I've got a ton of shit I'm gonna bring with me." Everything she owned fit in that lean-to of hers, and it wasn't much to talk about to begin with. There were a few things she would keep— the wreath of flowers, a couple of old drawings, a few changes of clothes, but nothing that would weigh them down.
The rest could stay behind. She didn't own much that meant anything to her.
"Sure. I'll grab my shit and then help Yonah out. That might take a little more time." Considering she and Nier had an actual house to live in, the younger girl had more in the way of belongings. It'd be nice, really, to get to spend some more time with her. Get to know her better, like she'd wanted to for a long while now.
"... who's cooking?"
It better not be Yonah.
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His wife's diary. Yonah. Kainé. Weapons. These are the things that truly matter. He's still going over his own internal list before Kainé's question pulls him right out of that easy-to-drown-in mire. His attention snaps back onto her quickly and he wears half a grin.
"Thought you might cook with me," he suggests, only half-jokingly. He's never exactly taken Kainé for much of a cook, but admittedly, neither is he. They'd be in good company if she's willing to budge with him on this, too. So far he's been successful, but even he knows his good fortune won't be lasting forever.
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Yeah, it's probably for the best if the two of them handle it.
"Safest bet, I think. That soup Yonah made you knocked you out for almost an entire day." Sure, the kid meant well, but...
It isn't always the thought that counts.
"Don't go expecting anything fancy, though. Best I can do for you is 'not raw.'"
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Whether she wants to admit it or not, she is family. There's just no way around that.
It doesn't take long for him to break into laughter, too. How long has it been since he's been able to do that? "You're right. We should probably spend some time with her giving some hints and tips. I love her creativity, but that cooking might kill someone one day. I think starting off with something that isn't raw is the perfect way to start. Maybe let's just do something simple."
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we can probably fade this one soon but it sure left me with a lot of emotions
GONNA FADE US HEEEEERE